Thoughts from a Nobody

I wish my music went loud enough to drown out my own thoughts
January 24th, 2017

I want to be one of those people. Those people who have adventures to tell and experience things most people only dream of.

I want to be that ONE. That one person that people say had an influence on them.

I want to be strong. I want my children to know that its okay to cry and laugh - and sometimes do both at the same time. 

I want to experience. Experience only that which has occurred in the past and can never be re-lived. 

I want to be independent. but I want someone to be independent with. 

I want to have dreams that could never happen because beauty comes from the way you imagine it. 

I want to love. Love the way my mother loves me; because a mothers love is the most beautiful kind. 

I want to be free. I want to be in love. I want to have everything and still want: because life is what happens when you're making other plans, and wanting is part of the reward.

Passion is beauty and beauty is strife. I strive for passion and passion is what I want. 

NOTE: I know that this might not make a lot of sense to a lot of people, but sometimes its important to write drunk and just not edit. It made sense when I wrote it several years ago, and somehow it still makes sense. Not sure why. 

Turn energy into efficiency and create something you love.
It's a funny thing; how am I supposed to know what I want to do for the rest of my life? How am I supposed to develop an entire entity of skill and productivity when I can barely comprehend the concept of only being one 'thing' for the better part of my life.

The fact that my academic career is entirely based on someone else's opinion and expertise is an abstract far beyond my reach. You're not an expert; you may specialize in the studying of specific people, places or things, but the fact of the matter is that you have little-to-no, real life experience. You can read a story a hundred times over; it doesn't mean you lived it. I don't believe a person can be an authoritative figure from behind a desk. I would also argue that those 'authorities' do not have the stature or mental capabilities to educate others on how an external society functions. Especially against the parameters of modern western cross-sections which have already encountered growing pains.
If I could give myself one piece of advice, it would be to not only do things for yourself, but do them at your own pace. And while other peoples opinions may factor into your decision making, the reality is you need to approach everything in your own way. Don't do extensive online research - cause seriously, that shit will freak you out and fuck you up - because every scenario is different and every body is different and there is no reason to freak out when a plethora of possible solutions and/or resources are awaiting your discovery.
If people are giving you anything less than constructive criticism, it's usually the criticism that matters least of all.
The funny thing is You don't have a place in my life.. but my overbearing niceness gave you the benefit of the doubt because it takes nothing to be kind.. until it does.
Stress is something of a blessing.. I guess it means that you care enough about something for it to enable anxiousness and shortness of breath.
I have never considered myself a religious person. I was not raised a certain religion. Never baptized. Never read the Quran. I went to church for family funerals, and went to the mosque for family funerals. There was never any definitive ‘path’ for me to follow. And I like it that way. I take bits and pieces from different cultural institutions. Those pieces which I believe in. I don’t believe in heaven or hell but I believe in some form of a higher power.

The best way I can conceptualize my belief system is the understanding that everyone has their right mind. Everyone knows the difference between right and wrong. The problem I have with religion is that the definitive line between what is right and what is wrong, is blurred. If a murder occurs, in my mind, that is always wrong. There is never a ‘right’ reason or drive to kill another living thing. However, religion has instilled within its institutions that if acts of violence are performed in the name of God, they are justified. 

When the distinction between right and wrong is weary, and people think hate is justified because of their faith, i would argue there is a definite chance you are no longer a good person. You are no longer a faithful person. You are no longer a citizen of humanity. 

This does not mean that differing opinions are frowned upon; this means that hatred and discrimination is never okay; and I won’t hate on your views, if you don’t hate on mine. 
Is it still truthful if you are exploiting people’s emotions? Is there a cross section between being truthful and being ethical? Is it a violation of truth if there is an ethical violation?
Why does falling in love feel impossible? And if/when you finally make a connection with someone, or what you understood as a connection, it feels as though there is no reciprocation… 
It’s not that I’m not good enough. Because I know I am worth a lot. I know I am deserving of the best kind of love. But when there is little to no validation for your physical, emotional or mental beauty, you can’t help but feel like there is something wrong with you.

I run over the entire scenario in my head numerous times a day and it is truly a hard task to understand why it ‘didn’t work out’. Now, i know that realistically the whole thing probably has nothing to do with me and he probably got busy or forgot or simply isn’t making me a priority; and I don’t mean that in a bad way. He doesn’t know me. He has no reason to make me a priority. Provided I don’t overthink it, this is probably what happened.

I still can’t help but question why I am NOT that priority. Why am I not the girl he can’t stop thinking about? Why am I not the girl he remembers to call? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not interesting enough? Maybe he’s just out of my league.

How does one get past these insecurities? If my friends spoke about themselves like this I would be down their throat…
If I’m being completely honest, being a doormat feels like the easier route. I would much rather have everyone else feel comfortable and be walked all over because it makes them feel better, than to be completely content in my own circumstances, but have everyone else feel uncomfortable. Everyone else’s displeasure seems to make me more uncomfortable. 

If someones life is so bad and unfulfilling and frustrating that they feel the need to make my life miserable, then let them. They obviously feel too insecure to discuss with other human beings appropriately, so they compensate with mean or belittling comments. I would rather deal with their belittling comments then fight for my right to be comfortable because it just isn’t worth it to me. Is that wrong? I would rather the other feel comfortable and me be uncomfortable, then have me be comfortable and the other uncomfortable because dealing with their discomfort Is harder than dealing with my own. But what does that make me?

Does it make me strong because I don’t feel the need to argue someone else’s aggression and insecurity? Or does it make me weak because I don’t fight for my own importance and equality?

With that being said, how miserable is your own life that you feel the need to treat other people like shit - for lack of better terms. What apocalyptic wasteland of a life are you living in that makes you think you’re not only better than everyone else, but that you have the right to treat other people as though they are less-than or weaker than you. If that is the case, and if you feel that way, then you’re life truly is sad and you really don’t need me to call you out and make you feel worse about yourself.
Being happy is the most important thing. What is money if you can’t enjoy it? What is family if you cant see them? What is life if you’re not happy? I say, its not life; its just being. Just being... there. Being happy can refer to everything from the space you occupy to the shape of your body. Being happy is the most important thing. I am the first person to tell anyone to follow their gut instinct and despite what other people might think, if this decision will make you happy, then it is the right decision [for you]. 

The Coin Theory:
You are torn. Undecided between what the best decision is. Grab a coin; delegate heads and tales to specific choices and flip it. Now, this is not some bullshit about letting fate decide what you should do but it does allow for your gut instinct to kick in. While it is in the air, almost instantaneously you will begin to hope for a specific side because for whatever reason, you believe in your heart of hearts that it is the right one. This is your gut instinct. Don’t be stupid; follow it.
I truly believe that timing is everything. And you fall in love when you least expect it. That's part of what makes it so special. Not only that you weren’t prepared, but that someone as amazing as the one you have, threw you off guard. So much so that you actually fell. 

Is it so wrong to want someone?

Is it so wrong to want companionship? To want someone to love you? And validate your success? Validate your beauty? Validate the love you feel for yourself and the love you are told to feel for others?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t NEED the validation of a man. Nor someone to tell me im beautiful or successful. But when all feels good and satisfied and fulfilling in the world, I want someone to share it with. It feels like the icing on the cake; to have the unconditional love backing your every move.

I know it will come. I know he will arrive. and it will be amazing. It will be better than anything I could have ever imagined.

I want to be hugged from behind. I want to laugh. I want people to look at us and throw up. I want to take pictures when you’re not looking. I want you to love all the things I hate.

Let me wear your shirt on a Sunday morning. Ill cook breakfast and you can watch me dance.

One thought on “Thoughts from a Nobody

  1. You are so beautiful and so kind and such a giving loving person for opening yourself and letting the world see you as you are. That is true strength. Unrequited love is not rejection, it just means that someone more worthy of you is waiting in the wings for the right time to cross your path.
    Those who spout negative rhetoric in your direction are not making a comment about you. They are making a statement about their own weakness. So you giving them the opportunity to feel comfortable while you stay quiet, is a banner to your strength of character!


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